The Mountains; Another Long Drive

The idea of another drive, clocking in at just under 12 hours, was not something to look forward to. “What the heck man! 12 hours! You may as well just come home!” my brother said when I told him of the plans. His words rang true. I think for the first time since I had been here, his comment may have made me miss home, Texas.

Our friends Lourdes and Ray have been talking about this place for ages. It was supposed to be beautiful. Tonya had wanted to come, and in light of the recent situation, it was probably a really good idea that Tonya get out and breathe a bit. Lourdes swears the drive is nice. Tonya swears that we cannot be late in meeting Lourdes and Ray. We are supposed to be in Guadalajara by noon. This means, we should leave around 6 a.m. to be safe. We can leave at 7 to be typically late.

The alarm goes off at 5:30 am. I hate waking up early and rushing. We actually leave the house a little after 7. This is not good. Tonya is frustrated and pissy. I am hungry and dreading riding for 6 hours with someone in a panic to make it to their friend on time. I did not even have time to have a cup of coffee. We stop and get gas, then hit the road. Initially, I thought that no one was really speaking because of being tired. I soon discovered this was not so, but more due to Tonya being in a huff and being stressed out. I keep quiet to try and let the storm pass. It never does. From this moment forth, almost anytime anything is said, there is arguing involved. If I were a kid, I would have probably told her I wanted to go home and to take me back to my parents. I decide it is best to keep quiet and breathe. Breathe deep, long and slow. Relax. This is going to be a long drive.

Outside the city, as we are making our way silently along, the sun is slowly coming up with about as much energy and enthusiasm as I have. Believe me, I can relate. I watch the outlying mountain range in the distance. The fields ahead are layered in fog. We manage to make some friendly comments about the scenery. Lourdes said that it was imperative to get to the rendezvous point on time, because the next half was intense mountain driving, and no one with a brain does this in the dark. Especially forgotten mountain roads in Mexico. As I looked at the range in the distance I wondered what we would see later in the day. In a brief time of peace, Tonya and I manage to pull some snacks from our road trip snack box for our breakfast on the move. We both sit quietly and crunch through our All-Bran bars. “What do you think?” she says. “Yeah. It’s ok”, I say back, and swallow the dry oatmeal tasting substance.

early morning view of outlying mountains

One reason why I hate long road trips so much is the lack of food. We cobbled together bits and pieces of stuff we thought we would want. Thank God we brought the breakfast bars, as they would prove to be very handy. I also managed to heat a bagel and put some cheese in it. We bought a bag of pan the day before. There are a few cokes, some chips, left over cookies and a jar of peanuts. I dread road trip food. No matter what you have, it always seems to boil down to two main food groups; nuts and chips. It is always in excessive amounts too. By the time the drive is done I swear I never want to see another peanut as long as I live. No matter what drinks you bring, they never get emptied. Why? Why at the end of a trip do you find all these opened containers with backwash still in them? Why don’t people drink their drinks when they are on the road?!

Boredom. It must be boredom and just being plain sick of all the useless junk we are robotically shoving down our mouths in some strange time sequenced pattern. It is as if we have been programmed by some evil force to glare straight ahead, open mouth, insert gunk. Chomp, crunch, swallow. Grab liquid, suck, swallow. Stare straight ahead. Repeat ad infinitum.

more mountains!

the guys. patient, loving companions

There is a lot of silence in our drive. Partly due to taking in new scenery and the other part to two people unable to reconcile which side of the bed they woke up on. It is grueling. The dead silence provides me a perfect opportunity to listen to the new Teenage Fanclub album. Maybe for me, it will warm my soul and perhaps put some sunshine in Tonya. I don’t think she even heard a single thing. Either that or she hates the Fannies. (note: the iPod starts its crush with Graham Parsons and Emmylou Harris on this drive)

As we near the noon hour, the cell phone begins to ring. Lourdes is like a stopwatch. “Where are you guys?” she asks Tonya. This is an asinine question. How can two complete strangers possibly know where they are on these long, unmarked Mexican roads? Tonya tells her that we are near, and thinks that we just passed through the last toll booth before Guadalajara. If we pull it off, we will be about 30 minutes late. This is not the last toll booth though. As we keep driving, Lourdes calls about every 15 minutes and asks the same question. She tells Tonya that we are to meet at some plaza in the outlying town of Tlaquepaque. We still have a few more toll booths to get through. By the time we get to the outskirts of Tlaquepaque we are a good 45 minutes behind.

strange dying lake, somewhere out there

Tonya calls Lourdes and tells her we are here. Lourdes tells Tonya to go somewhere different. A few minutes later she calls again and tells us the rendezvous point is now somewhere else. “What did she say?” I ask very annoyed. “I don’t know” Tonya snapped back. “She told me where to meet and kept talking. I can’t remember what she said”. I asked if she shouldn’t call her back and ask for the directions again, but all I get is silence. It is now mid afternoon. This town is hot. We are tired of peanuts and chips and have not been able to have a stretch of friendship for more than two minutes. I cannot stand how Tonya will not get the directions straight and keeps driving, like she knows what she is doing in some strange city. In her frustration she turns off the feeder road into a neighborhood. We keep raising the volume in our arguing and she keeps driving. I get more freaked because to me, I can imagine all of these prying eyes seeing this spot lit car with a billboard on top that reads “This is the car of lost foreigners who have no idea what they are doing. They are lost. They are arguing. Now is your chance!” Personally, I feel very uncomfortable sitting on some very strange back streets being an obvious stranger in town. Tonya calls Ray to get directions. We stop and she gets new co-ordinates. It sounds simple enough.

With the new directions Tonya takes off. Little does she know that she is driving in the wrong direction. She keeps going and going. I keep getting more and more upset. The afternoon is not cooling off and we are nowhere near where we need to be. We are driving further away. I keep telling her to ask for directions. She, obviously, picks the seediest looking grease pit with a bunch of guys sitting in cheap plastic chairs baking in the sun. The shirtless guy with prison tattoos is the closest, so obviously he is the one which comes to the car. One should not judge a book by its cover, as this pre-judged hijacker proves. He may be shirtless and wear cheap tattoos and have a ponytail, but he does tell us where we need to go.

Tonya asks me to look for a certain street name. The problem is she speaks to me as if I speak fluent Spanish. Every word and syllable is said with such passion and gusto. To me, I have no idea what she is saying. To her, she is frustrated that I do not understand “Calzada Lazaro Cardenas”. We ride in frustration, going completely the wrong way when a few minutes later she asks me again, “Are you looking for Calzada Lazaro Cardenas”.

“What am I looking for?” I ask.

“Calzada Lazaro Cardenas” she says even more frustrated.

“What are you saying? How do you say that to someone who does not speak Spanish?” is my comeback.

“Calzada Lazaro Cardenas” Tonya says slower, but still complete with her Mexico City accent.

“Spell it. Spell it to me, because you obviously do not understand that I do not understand what you are saying! Don’t get angry at me because I do not speak Spanish and don’t talk down to me like I am a dumbass because I do not speak Spanish!” I say in a very unfriendly tone.

“I’m not talking down to you” she says with a tremble in her voice” Cardenas, don’t you know Cardenas? C A R D …”

“You mean like Cardinez?” said in a very Anglo manner.

“Yes!” the excitement is noticeable.

“Ok. Then just talk to me like a tourist and I can help. Speak slow and stupid to me when you are telling me names and places.” We are both about to bust by this point.

We ride in frustrated silence while sweat keeps dripping down our temples. Tonya is hunched forward, the anxiety making her almost into a little ball with hands on a steering wheel. Eventually, we do find our way to this street and sure enough, there sits on the side of the road, Ray, Lourdes and Andreas. We pull up behind them and I waste no time in getting out of the car. Lourdes gets out too, and a few hugs are exchanged. Her smile helps ease the tension. I say hello to Ray and Andreas, and Tonya is standing behind their car, talking with Lourdes. It has been over an hour since we have been driving in every which way but the correct one, and now we are really going to be pressed for time. We have another 5 hours to go, and have to beat the darkness. No time is wasted. Ray and Lourdes briefly tell us what we are doing, then everyone jumps back in their vehicles, and we start part two of the trip. This time, I am driving.

lone dog, desolate gas station

Tlaquepaque is no great shakes. We get behind Ray and get out. I feel a bit better now that we have a tiny convoy, and we are following someone who is well travelled here. Now, there is no reason to get lost or frustrated…too bad this theory did not work. We still ride in silence. Eventually we crack a smile and make up. We have no idea where we are at or how long it will take. I keep my eyes on the car in front of me and drive. In some town, at some intersection Ray pulls over and pulls up in front of a grocery store. We pull up behind and Lourdes gets out and tells us to wait a bit while shopping is done, because there is not grocery store in the village we are going to. She asks if I am ok, and I speak the truth, “I’m hungry”. She walks to her car and comes back with a clear plastic container of almonds. “They are from Whole Foods” she says with a smile. I take a handful and have the same thought as before ‘hmmmm, more nuts’. “Its ok guys, relax” she says in her smooth tone. “We are on holiday now. You want a beer? You need one. You need to relax. I’ll get you a beer” and she makes another quick trip to her car and comes back with a cold XX. “We are very close now. We will really be getting into the mountains, it is a beautiful drive. We must hurry though, before it gets dark”

I take Lourdes for her word, and want some comforting reassurance, “So we’re close? That is good”

“Yes, very close. About 3 or 4 hours” she says still smiling. That is not close. Four more hours is a nightmare to me. My butt hurts, my back is sweaty and damp and no more than 25 words have been spoken between Tonya and me for the last 8 hours! I dread this, I really do. The only respite is the scenery of the promised beauty. “If you cannot handle mountains and curves for the next three or four hours, you better let Tonya drive” Lourdes warns me with a laugh.

heading upwards!

Lourdes was not lying. It did not take long before we were starting to wind up the mountains. They were beautiful! Now, at least, the lack of speaking was not due to frustration and anger, but to staring at the scenery (I cannot speak for Tonya though). As we drove, we started to see clouds rolling in. Tonya pointed at a sign that was posted frequently on the road, and she explained that it said to be careful, because you are in a foggy area. We carry on, twisting and turning and taking it all in. Tonya starts to doze off a bit, and I have to keep my eyes ahead. I am starting to wear out. I am tired of sitting and my back is hurting. I have both hands on the wheel and keep leaning forward to try and stretch my back. I feel the urge to pee coming on too.

twist and turn, higher & higher

It has been about two hours of working our way up into the mountains. We have breezed though a few small villages, and are driving through another one when Ray’s tail lights light up and he pulls over. I follow my leader. He hops out and says there is no more gas for the rest of the way, so fill it up now. We swing around and pull into a gas station across the street. Tonya says she will go do her stuff while I wait on the gas. As soon as she gets out, Sunny plops down in her seat and makes himself cozy. She comes back out and leans into the passenger side window, “I am going to have a cigarette”, and she walks to the end of the parking lot and smokes. I sit and stare and listen to the clicks being made by the gas pump, anxiously awaiting my turn to pee. She walks back and opens the door and Sunny just stares at her. “Sunny. Move” She says. She tries to push him but he will not budge. “Can you help…”

I reach over and prod Sunny. Nothing. He refuses to move. Tonya raises her voice, “Sunny”. I reach over and pull him towards me to get him out of her seat. He goes all limp and is like a wet rag, lying on the console, contorted in all sorts of ways. I have to pee and I have no time for these gimmicks. I bark out “Sunny-move it!” He lays and stares at me. I start to push him off the console towards the backseat. He slips and slides and becomes even more twisted. I demand action once more, “Sunny!” Nothing. I do not understand how he can just be all tangled like that and not want to get comfortable. The fun is finished for me. I grab him and start a final heave. He becomes even more limp as he begins the roll over into the back seat. Tonya gets concerned as he starts to wrap himself up and it looks like his head is turned underneath him. His go-limp trick is done at the wrong time. “Sunny!” I yell as I start the final push. As soon as I heave him, he slides and Tonya yells “Stop it!” It is too late though. The momentum carries on and Sunny’s head becomes trapped between the console and the folded down seat. I push him and he rolls over himself and in a flash I see why Tonya is yelling. Sunny’s head is stuck and it looks like this could be a very huge mistake. His body is already slowly flipping over, and he emits a low tones growl. It seems as if it is all in slow motion. As his body flips over into the seat, his neck is visibly twisted and I can’t even see his head. Tonya is yelling that he is hurt. He finishes out his slippery roll on his back, when he pulls his head out of the small gap. He’s dazed and lying on his back with his feet straight in the air. He begins to growl and struggles to get up. He is obviously confused and in pain. “You could have broke his neck!” she is yelling at me. I am somewhat relieved to see Sunny squirm to his feet and that he his ok. I am shocked, scared and about to pee on myself. I utter a nervous, “He’s Ok.” And head to the restroom. The restroom is dark and the ceiling is low. I do not wait until I am completely inside until I undo my pants. I am unzipping and heading for the urinal when I smack my head on a low concrete beam. At this moment I feel as I am in top form.

I walk back to the car, relieved of the pee and also relived that Sunny was not hurt. I should have kept walking because Tonya is furious. As I get in she lets me have it. I am shook up too, and keep eyeing Sunny to see that he is alright. I pull the car back into the street and in front of Ray. As Tonya is telling me off, a knock comes on her window. We turn and Tonya opens the window. It is Lourdes. She flashes her big smile and shoves a hand in the window. “I got these for you. It is cookies” and she hands us a bag with a small ribbon tied to it. She runs back to her car and Tonya hands them to me. I cannot even think of eating a cookie now, so I place them in the drink holder and begin to follow Ray.

As we start up more mountains the fog is really rolling in. We are starting to get nervous too, because it is thick fog. I sit quiet, both hands on the wheel and try to steal a glance into the back of the truck, where Tonya has gone back to comfort Sunny. “Is he ok?” I ask. Tonya softly replies, “I think so” as she pets him while he is prone. I feel awful. I am tired. I am so over this trip I wish we could turn back. I can’t really start any conversations because I have to concentrate and keep my eyes forward. It is starting to get a bit tense.

We pass though another odd town. Ray has taken us down some back streets, and as we barely squeeze though, you can almost reach out and touch the villagers as they stand and stare at the cars driving through their town. It is very David Lynch. Rough, bumpy streets, dingy tiny dirty homes. A horse walks down an empty street and its hoofs echo through the streets. “This is a weird place” Tonya says from way in the back. She is sitting next to Sunny, and has drawn the other dogs closer to her too. It is obvious that I am in deep sh*t. Still, the fact that she even utters her opinion, gives me a bit of relief. I wish I could smile, but I steal a glance from the rearview mirror and agree with her, “Yeah, I like this…weird”. From here on out, it is strictly upwards at very steep angles.

The fog is really hitting us by now. When we manage to get to certain peaks, you can see the valleys and other mountains, and it is a wonderful sight seeing the clouds hugging the mountains. It is just not very nice to drive through. I am a city boy. Staring down some of these drops in brief glimpses though the clouds is pretty frightening. The sun is going down too, and it is getting cooler. I cannot help but think of the Vampire movies, and that we are drawing nearer and nearer to some really strange and creepy place. I do not even have music on, because I want to concentrate. Tonya is still in the back, and will remain there the rest of the trip. I feel very alone and very far from home. In truth, I feel quite small. I feel like I am so far from anyone and anything and I am just walking deeper and deeper into this billowy white mist. I try and stay close to Ray, and keep my eyes on the lit red tail lights. I start to wonder how long can we keep doing this and when is enough? I notice that the higher we go, the more and more rocks have fallen, and are scattered out onto the road. There are countless signs to warn of falling rocks, and each time we pass a cliff I wince and hope that that a few good chunks don’t come pounding down on me. I start to notice that it smells strange way up here…or maybe it is the clouds that smell funny.

my eyes stuck to those glowing tail lights

I find that smell funny. I roll my window down and try to stick my nose out, like a dog on a car ride. Someone must be burning something up here. We hit a brief level part in our drive, and there is a small clogging of cars to make it through some tight turns. It has come to almost a crawl, and I stick as close as I can to Ray. Once we get though the tight spot, we pick up a bit more speed and space between cars. I notice as we near another turn that my foot goes all the way to the floor. I must be tired and fatigued, and cannot wait to get to our destination. We come to another turn and I notice that my foot meets no resistance when I brake. I try to pump the brakes and they are slow to respond. I slow down as much as I can. I try again when we turn again, and now I am sure. We have no breaks! That burning smell I smelt earlier was me! I was using the brakes too much and they were over heating. I feel that this is not going to be a happy ending. Tonya is mad at me, Sunny is hurt, I am running on nuts and my butt and back are damp and sore and now I am gliding through strange mountain roads with no brakes. I have no idea of what to do, so I slow down as much as possible. I turn the hazards on and tell Tonya. She does not believe me, and just to make sure she heard me correctly, she asks louder from the back, “WHAT?”

darkness, fog and mountains make for a scary trip

I start to honk my horn and flash my lights. I feel it is futile to flash the lights, because it is not dark enough yet. I keep honking more and more. We twist and turn and Ray comes into sight and then turns out of sight. It is getting darker by the second and my fear is growing in bounds. I get panicked and wonder why they won’t stop. They just keep going and I am falling further behind and dread the next steep drop. I hope it is mostly uphill, but have no clue. I tell Tonya what is happening and reach into the console and pull out the owner’s manual and ask her to look up what to do when your brakes go out and the light comes on. It takes her a few moments then she starts reading the steps to safe mountain driving. I shift into low and it helps, but she still has not gotten to troubleshooting no brakes on twisty mountain roads. A small straight away follows a turn and I see Ray’s tail lights lit up. We ease up behind them and Ray comes running over, “What’s happening? Is something wrong?” he says leaning into my window.

"No brakes man! My brakes went out” I tell him, a bit shaken.

His response is quite simple, “Shit man!” “Did you pump them?”

“Nothing. No response. My foot goes to the floor every time”

He smacks and points forward, “Look, we are close. You think we can make it?”

I have heard the term ‘close’ used before, that was 4 hours ago! I have to be straight, and I ask Ray “Well…how close is clos

“Man, we are right there. We have about 9 kilometers to go.” He says.

“Is it uphill, because I am pretty freaked out about this.”

“Yeah. There is only one dip, at the beginning of town, but we are almost there. Put it in low, and just take it real slow” he says.

“Ok. But don’t get too far ahead…” I say. Ray runs back and hops into his van, and we start our last, slow crawl. I look at the speedometer. I do the math. 9 kilometers at about 10-15 mph could take at least 30 minutes or more! Not cool. It is dark now, and I intently follow the halo of red around Ray’s tail lights. Tonya is quiet, sitting in the back. I am not sure, but she may have muttered if we were close. I see a bridge through the fog, and at the end of this bride, Ray’s tail lights light up again. He hops out and comes running to the van.

“Ok. We are here. I am going to ride with you and show you where you’re staying. Lourdes and Andreas went to get the keys” and he hops into the vacant passenger seat that Tonya left so long ago. It only takes a few minutes to wind up the stone streets and squeeze through the alleys, and then he tells me to ‘turn right at that tree’.

“Hey! We made it!” he says beaming. “This is it?” I ask in disbelief. I am so, so happy to finally have the wheels come to a complete stop. I get out, and we are surrounded by a thick mist. The smell of burning breaks lingers heavy and low. “I smell them. You must have used the brakes too much, they probably just over heated”, says Ray. “That is it. I am sure that is all that is wrong. We can have the local mechanic check it out tomorrow” Ray assures me. “This is it! Let me show you your place! Come on up!” Tonya and I are both thrilled beyond belief to be here. It has been almost a 12 hour trek, and could not have been more stressful. Ray helps unload the bags and tells us to meet them later for dinner.

We meet Ray and Lourdes at their place and unwind. We all talk of the trip up and the plans for tomorrow. It is getting late for this small village and the last restaurant remaining open will be closed soon. If we want something to eat, we better move. It’s dark and the fog has set in. We wander through the town and a light shines through an open door, like some sort of halo in the fog. We step inside an old home which has been turned into a restaurant. A lone girl sitting at a desk looks up as we walk in and Ray asks if we can eat. She stands up and says for us to sit wherever we like. Ray chooses outside, in the back. We get situated and have the hostess turn on the flat-screen on the patio. We view the latest World Cup scores and then Ray tells the girl to choose some music for us. Sitting here, about to eat, I finally let up and let the exhaustion take over. It is very late for dinner and I cannot wait to just get to bed.