Pooping and the Ancient Peoples

On Sunday, a wonderful thing happened.  Countless facts that have been accumulating in my head were combined with hands-on reality by a visit to the Anthropology museum here.  I had been to the pyramids a few times, and each time gathered a bit more knowledge and insight.  However, there are many ancient bits of trivia I had yet to encounter…until this day.

You see, when I have my toilet time, I like to read about Mexican history.  I like to think it is multi-tasking.  I am amazed at what I have learned, and many times have been able to impress even the locals with my vast array of ancient Mexican knowledge.  Funny, I can pick up all sorts of things about their past, but just cannot get to grips with their language.  I will keep trying though, my Spanish for Dummies book is in the post as we speak.

Firstly, one must clearly point out that much of what we call ‘Aztec’ is wrong.  Many of the things we associate with that word are actually ‘Mexica’. Interestingly enough, these people settled in what is currently Mexico City in the early 1300’s.  Basically, a warring tribe thought they could pull a fast one on the ‘Mexicans’, by giving them this valley filled with snakes…in hopes the snakes would kill off the Mexica. Well, guess what.  This primitive tribe loved snakes, so guess who was laughing last.  The opposing tribe was totally let down to see the ‘Mexica’ happily eating all the snakes they could find. ( Perhaps a bit foggy, but they may actually be the crazy tribe from the north west that were notorious dog eaters.)

Fast forward to the guys who eventually became as the Aztecs. 

We have all seen the fantastic paintings of the brave and hunky Aztec warrior standing atop of  a mountain (or pyramid) facing off to the sun or with some distressed hot ‘Latina’ in his arms.  Imagine the shock and horror when I found out the average Aztec bad-ass was barely over 4 foot tall.  How can such little people strike such fear in others hearts?  Next time you are in your local restaurant, look for the little Mexican guy washing dishes.  Size him up.  The man shuttling cups and plates is probably about as tall as the guy we always see in paintings.

As if...

Tonya had been talking up the museum for quite a while.  On her suggestion, we decided to go and see what ancient wonders were waiting.  Truthfully, I don’t like ancient peoples.  I think I have mentioned this before.  I can only take so much of staring at broken bowls and columns and pieces of rock and bone before I lose my cool.  I knew there were some gems here, so I was well on my way to see the things that were of interest to me.

I should have prefaced this with one vital piece of information.  If you don’t speak Spanish here, you are at a loss.  You will be hard pressed to find anything in any language but in all these museums.  There is a bit of English in this museum, but none detailing what the pieces are.  Damon and I were confused by this oversight when we were wondering through the Temple Mejor museum.  Yes, the ancients had a sense of humor, and were apt to make silly looking things.  Damon and I had a few good chuckles looking at these slivers of stone with silly bulging eyes and fangs on them. However, we were left to make up whatever we wanted to about these curious pieces because Mexicans do not know how to teach others about their history.  

They aren't so funny now, huh?

 

*Gasp!* I was thrown into reality on our little day trip.  I saw the funny looking things and asked Tonya what they were.  Thanks to her translation, these funny faces became an immediate nightmare.  These are Aztec sacrificial knives!  They use these to cut your heart out and bleed you dry.  Suddenly, these tools of destruction didn’t look so funny to me.

Ha ha ha, this is what they do with those funny things.

There was a display of skeletons found below one of the pyramids.  It was nine sacrificed bodies laid out in a certain fashion with their hands bound behind them.  Hmmm, they had some amazing necklaces made of human jaw bones.  I was mesmerized by these.  I also thought of another example of how Mexicans love their history and ancestors.  It seems that this particular Aztec habit is very much alive and well these days.  I thought of all the gruesome news and photos one sees in regards to the current drug cartel problems.  Obviously, these drug lords and their cronies liked this trait of their ancestors…as they use almost daily now!

I have mused before about a cop who stopped me who actually looked Korean.  In fact, I see loads of Mexicans who look like they have Asian blood in them.  Where’s the disconnect?  Something doesn’t make sense.  

Nope, that is not Cee-Lo form Gnarls Barkley

A ha!  My own formulated theories that actually they are Asian were solidified in the museum.  Ever seen any of these Olmec sculptures?  Every damn one of them looks like a Mongol of some sort.  I know, scholars like to play the race card and say perhaps they are ‘negroid’. Nah, go see for yourself, these guys look Asian!  Again, thanks to Tonya I learned that the reason we see so many dang Olmec head sculptures is because they believed that the head was the most important part of the body. Duh!  Great mystery explained.  It is also amusing to learn that the Olmecs were very fascinated by hunchbacks, dwarves and other human oddities.  They have some of these found pieces on display.  Now what I don’t get is this.  The Olmecs are famous for their head sculptures, from which nearly all are made of stone.  The twist is that the region in which they lived, there was no stone.  Where did all the stone come from?

Fat Asian kid or Mexican negro?

Tell me that ain't Chinaman with a fish!

Mexican wrestler or Confucius?

Interesting fact:  It is believed that the Olmecs were the first peoples in this land of current day Mexico, mainly settled in the Yucatan, along the Gulf Coast.  Interestingly enough, they have yet to find any real Olmec skeletons!  Where are these peoples’ bones!?

Don’t get me wrong, we all know that ancient people are crazy and like to kill and eat other people.  They have far-out beliefs and worship all sorts of Gods and mythical creatures.  I was a bit shocked to read that the skeletons found at the base of one of the pyramids furthers the theory of a strange cult which sacrificed children.

I was trying to read what little I could and eavesdrop on the German tour guide who was leading his troupe through the room with all the pyramid stuff.  I have no new and interesting knowledge to share in this respect because at the times I could tell he was explaining the differences between different art movements like the cubists and impressionists and cracking jokes. I did manage to watch him as he stood over a large relief map of the ancient city of Teotihuacan, where the pyramids are.  He stood at one end and held his hand out over the map. “Look. Look at my finger” he said.  The crowd stared at his finger as instructed, “No! Not my finger!  Look at the shadow of my finger…on the map.  See there, see the shadow of my finger” he said as he began to tell the crowd some amazing pyramid facts.  He had a great handlebar moustache…and sandals with socks, like a typical European.

The biggest surprise of the day was in the room at the far right hand corner of the museum.  The one where it has the empty spools of stone out front…or giant lifesavers, I am not sure what they were.  Here, one can see and read all about the Temple Mejor, which was only discovered in the 70’s!  It is smack dab in the middle of downtown, next to the giant lopsided church.  There are some interesting things about this and how it was built.  I could have learned all of this on the spot, but alas, the Mexicans don’t think anyone who doesn’t speak Spanish would have an interest in these ancient wonders. 

The temple is fascinating too, but I wanted to see the very thing Tonya always gets excited about.  This is also the thing which has the huge crowd standing in awe in front of it. No, sit was not a giant Olmec head, but the famous Aztec calendar!  It is huge!  Amazing!

Place sacrifice in center and slice!

Does he look like he's telling you how many Tuesdays are in a month?

It was very interesting to read about what it all means.  The two human hearts…the blood, the screaming God in the center, all the chaos all around.  This could all mean only one thing, this guy was mad and this is about killing.  The biggest shock is learning that this is not the famed Aztec calendar which so many believe. No.  As the carvings blatantly hint at, this is actually a giant sacrificial stone!  People were to be killed on this!  Think about all of the tourists and souvenirs around the world.  All of the coffee cups, key chains, desktop trinkets…all of these people think they have the fabled calendar in their midst and instead they are all celebrating killing people!  I was floored.

Behind the dial, on the other side of the wall, were some other interesting sacrificial vessels.  There was another very large circular carving, with loads of intricate detail.  There was a hole in the middle and what looked like a small gutter that lead form the hole to the edge of the sculpture. You know what happened on this thing, right?  A bowl for the hearts and heads and the gutter so the blood drains out and over the inscriptions.  The smaller bowls were hypnotizing too.  I kept wondering how many hearts these must have seen.  I thought of the funny little stones Damon and I had seen and all the life they took.

Guts in the middle, gutter for the blood!

After seeing these things, my tolerance for staring at stones was saturated.  We had done half of the museum, and I could care less about learning more about the God of corn.  I had enough of silly masks and seated clay figures of women with pot bellies and flabby boobs.  The fun was gone.  I had been lied to all this time.  This great calendar was actually a place to die.  I was over it and hungry.

We decided to blow this joint and as we breezed past rooms of ancient secrets, we discussed which grocery store we should stop at and what we would have for dinner.  I remembered that we had some chili mix that one Tonya’s daughters had brought on their last visit.  Awesome!  All we needed was some cheddar cheese and we were in business!